Why Love Will Not Find You When You Stop Looking

   -- You will find love when you stop looking.--

If you’ve ever been single and looking, someone has probably uttered these words in your direction: “You just have to stop looking.” Well, that sounds like some bullsh*t to me.

Are they saying that if I sit on my couch, binge-watch “The Wire” and order take-out, the man of my dreams will magically appear? It’s so easy, right? All you have to do is stop looking, find some hobbies, grab a drink with your girls and the love of your life will appear.

Okay, maybe it’s not that easy. Self-help books will tell you that if you stop looking and concentrate on yourself, love will appear. It’s about the laws of attraction.

If you’re happy, you will attract happiness; if you’re desperate, you’ll attract the desperate. There is some truth to that, but the advice doesn’t consider the full picture.

Why does “looking” automatically make you “desperate?” And, when have you ever found something when you stopped looking for it or working for it? Did that promotion appear when you stopped looking for it? Did you find that perfect apartment with that awesome view when you stopped looking for it?

The unexpected does happen, but when we look at the odds, they are always in your favor when you work toward a goal.

So, let’s look at the bigger picture. Those self-help books are right about some things. You should find happiness within yourself. You should have passion that fulfills you. You should be complete and whole, since someone else will never complete you.

Being “the one” will help you attract the right one. I preach that to my clients every day and wholeheartedly believe that self-love, passion and happiness attract others to you.

Becoming more attractive because you exude these qualities is one thing, but finding love doesn’t end there. That’s just where it begins. You still have to seek out potential partners and date them with purpose.

Dating with purpose is where most of us fail in love. We’re too busy being too cool to tell the people we date what we want. Playing cool and coy won’t get you that promotion at work and it certainly won’t get you love in your life. You have to work for it.

I was single for eight years and not looking for love. Guess what, guys? It didn’t find me. Once I decided I wanted a relationship, I approached it as aggressively as I would any other goal I’ve ever had and conquered. I worked on self-love and finding someone to love simultaneously.

I created a vision for myself as an individual and as a couple. Creating a vision meant answering some questions about what a relationship and love would mean to me.

How do I balance love with my career and friends? What value does being in a relationship with me bring to someone else? How do I communicate that vision to a potential partner?

My vision was as thought-out as any marketing presentation I would have shown a potential client, and just as my clients would, men bought in.

There I was, this happy and fulfilled woman, who wanted travel, adventure, family, a home filled with traditions and love with a partner who, with me, would create an amazing life worth sharing.

Once I could speak about this vision for my life with purpose, passion and certainty, love did find me. It found me because I sought it out. It found me because I didn’t give up. It found me because I invited love into my life.

Don’t stop looking for love — just look for it differently.